We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
