Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
