Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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