then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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