On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
