If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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