like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
