i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
