I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
