Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
