AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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