I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
