Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
