Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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