lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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