my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
