I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
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If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
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I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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