I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
