I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
