It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
