Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
