Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I party with great urgency now.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
