I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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