I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
