Sry I called you an 8
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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