i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
