At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
