God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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