Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
