Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
We're too hungover to prance.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
