I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
