he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
