Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
how drunk are you?
Several
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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