You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
