You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
