Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
