I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
