No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
