they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
