Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
