Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize