maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
