i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
