Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
