We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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