Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
