CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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