I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
