So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
