Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
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It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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