hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
