Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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