I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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