i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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