How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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