CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
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