Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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