i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Can I color on your dick again?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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