Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
